My friend Tim came into town last weekend, and he pointed out during a possibly-tipsy conversation at a club that he’d noticed my Facebook posts hadn’t been quite as upbeat as they were earlier in the year.

Well, there’s a reason for that: I don’t feel as upbeat as I did earlier in the year. I guess I’m feeling complacent with life. I go to work and do the same thing every day, come home and do the same things every evening, and go to bed. I suppose I feel like my life has lost what little bit of sparkle it once had.

Folks have even commented that my new picture looks “serious” and “bitchy”, although one very nice person did say that it was “brooding and sexy”. I prefer the latter, but the former is probably more accurate most times.

I don’t know if that’s because I’m bored with Charlotte – and for a variety of reasons, I am – or if I’m just unhappy with the direction my life is taking. Either way, the fact that it’s noticeable to others means that it’s obviously something that’s impacting me.

The constant allergy/sinus/whatever problems aren’t helping. I simply cannot breathe out of both nostrils at one time and even when I feel good, I still have nasal congestion. I was finally referred to a specialist (who looked at me like I was crazy), who sent me for a CT scan. The scan revealed nothing structural that could be causing problems.

My response? “So now what?”

I made the nurse who called ask the doctor what my next steps should be. If it’s not structural, I need to know what’s causing the problems (if it’s allergies, fine, let’s look at more aggressive allergy treatments) and how to alleviate the symptoms, if nothing else.

I’m basically back where I started. Nasal congestion. One nostril open. Constant low-grade sinus pressure that makes me feel sleepy. Continuous post-nasal drip. The fun never ends!

Add to that a lack of sleep from the neighbor(s) downstairs blasting craptastic music and beating up on each other all day and night and I’m just not a happy camper. I’m moving at the end of the month, which is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I’ll be saving money and can make some progress in my life financially. A curse because I’ll miss having my own space – but it’s not permanent, so I’ll survive. And, my soon-to-be roommate’s a pretty interesting guy so I’ll enjoy getting to know him better.

Perry probably won’t be happy. As you can see, he’s ferocious.

Having said that, all is not awful in my life – and I need to remember that. I’m still very much enjoying playing my clarinet (yay, new mouthpiece!) and we’re working hard on the Charlotte Pride Band’s next season. We have so much to do, and the marketing alone is very time-consuming. I’ve spent a fair amount of time putting together some graphics and flyers for various things, including recruitment.

I’m doing some graphics for a local arts group, which is fun and allows me to stretch myself a bit and step out of my comfort zone some. Unfortunately, I can’t display them yet (I can’t give away their secrets!).

I also did some logo designs for the 2010-11 Tidal Wave Party contest. Neither of them won, but I don’t mind because the winning design was, quite simply, a great design. A friend did say that he really liked one of my designs, and I had no idea he’d even seen them. That made me feel good.

I’ve also had the chance to travel some lately. First, Charleston, SC, with HJ and Erik. Our friend Terry very graciously let us use his condo for the weekend, resulting in lots of sun and even lots more fun!

And then Philadelphia for July 4th to march with the Philadelphia Freedom Band in the Independence Day Parade. It was the first LGBT band to march in the parade, and I was happy to be a part of such a great occasion. While marching in a band is not high on my list of favorite things to do, it was interesting to be back in that atmosphere – and not the 98 degree type of atmosphere that we had! But I made some new friends, connected with some new people, and had a great time with Mark (our director, who also went to march and provided good company on the road).

But all in all, I’m just doing a lot of stuff on a very little amount of energy. It occurs to me that moving in with Cam situates me to go in any number of directions down the road, and I may explore those options at some point. There’s time for that later – for now, I have some more work to do.

Until next time…

2 thoughts on “Complacency

  1. I don’t know you age, but I see your talent and desire for the old desire to return. I don’t know if changing cities does much of anything, and I too am mired in a waltz-automaton – living, not miserable, but heavy of body and faded color upon my eyes. I had the same people for most of my life, and when I lost them I shied from trying again. I’ve never truly had a gay friend, always was the choice based on the wrong reasoning and ending with an ultimatum to give sex… Thus I stopped trying with the whole gay idea, friendship or even love. I think I need to meet the world again… People, not places hold the most wonder and renewal, ideas and debates of passionate vim. You still write in the honest tone of a human (talent provided), and having lost that myself I would hurt to see you become the same soul drained shell.
    Maybe we could be friends… Maybe you need some input from a person you really never wanted it from. I could.


  2. Weird I guess but true. I need to talk to you if that’s ok. I’m friendless, and my colors have gone pale, motions programmed, words dry. You understand i think, and you want for the renewed ability to desire, your words are pure human, past ego and below faith. I could use some help returning to the land of dreams waking. You may need an unexpected, wanted friend… Ideas not derived from highway thought but the sky’s every chanced turn.


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